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Editor-in-Chief: Walter Moers
Saturday, 15 December 2018

The A-Pad is here at last!

No more agonizing indecision: one transmitter, two knobs. APPLE© competitor ADOLF© is bringing out its own Tablet PC in a highly individual form, with completely alternative technology and at a sensationally competitive price: the LOWTECH BOARD (self-advertised) will cost only 9 euros 99 – far less than the products of other APPLE̊ competitors. How was it done?

“For a start,” explains Joseph Goebbels, ADOLF̊’s press officer, “we’ve dispensed with the highly restrictive Internet connection. You can get Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, and the rest of that kid’s stuff on any cell phone, but that’s too run-of-the-mill for us. Our maxim is exclusivity! It’s amazing how quickly costs and problems decrease once you’ve unloaded all that social networking bullshit. It’s like going out into the open air and breathing freely at last.”

Technology without space is passé

“What we can make the most of is SPACE,” Goebbels goes on enthusiastically. “Technology without space is passé. By this I refer mainly to space for hardware, a precious asset that computer technology has almost completely lost. We wanted to change that – ruthlessly! We’ve taken our cue from the James Bond movies of the ’sixties and ’seventies, which are kind of timeless, right? In those days the computers the super-villains aimed to rule the world with also took up a lot of room. You needed a complete subterranean cave system or a space station to house them. THOSE were computers - computers with BALLS, as we like to put it! We want to go back there.” Goebbels laughs genially.

Into the future at full throttle

“The A-Pad is substantially bigger and heavier than the I-Pad and around fifteen times as thick. Bulky, overweight, and retro are the descriptions that immediately spring to mind, but first impressions are deceptive. ‘Unlike the I-Pad, the A-Pad makes you feel you’ve actually bought something,’ one customer comments admiringly. ‘The thing weighs over 15 kilos! I nearly slipped a disk hefting it off the shelf.’

“Tests in a wind tunnel proved that a traditional I-Pad takes off at wind force 7, whereas the A-Pad remains as immovable as one of Albert Speer’s concrete bunkers in Normandy, even at wind force 10. This is probably down to the lead plate integrated into its base by ADOLF̊’s ingenious technicians.

“We long debated how to make the thing heavier,” Goebbels goes on with a grin. “Then, one day, one of our scientists said, ‘Hey, lead’s pretty damn heavy, isn’t it?’ That was the moment of truth. Heavy metal! At first we thought of using Krupp steel, but its image with consumers isn’t good. We then considered gold, which is even heavier than lead, but that would have driven up the price of the finished product to an unsustainable level. Each A-Pad would have cost around 150,000 euros, which would have narrowed our market considerably.”

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Freedom of no choice

“But there’s no skimping in other respects. APPLE̊’s I-Pad doesn’t have any knobs, whereas the A-Pad boasts two handsome Bakelite knobs of functional, Art Deco design.
“I can operate my A-Pad with my big toe – THAT’s what I call progress!” laughs Joseph Goebbels, and he promptly proceeds to demonstrate - to approving laughter from his security men in their long, black leather trench coats.

“You don’t have to remember any passwords,” the delighted press officer goes on. “No access codes, no encrypted email addresses or idiotic secret names for Facebook friends! No firewall and no damned spam. That’s all a thing of the past. Your head is completely free.”

His eyes glaze over in ecstasy, as if he’s gazing into a better future.

“The greatest advantage of all,” he enthuses, “is the absence of any individual need to choose - we take that off people’s hands! What we call FREEDOM OF NO CHOICE simply means no more agonizing over alternatives! What’s the use of 15 million pixels or 70,000 apps? We offer only ONE station, but with worldwide coverage! What’s more, it only broadcasts GOOD news from German territory! None of this bewildering rubbish from countries exclusively inhabited by foreigners.”

Tearing the Internet web apart

Goebbels squares his shoulders and his voice regains its even tenor, becoming almost cold. “Tearing the Internet web apart and bursting its digital bonds - that’s our revolutionary aim. What has all this pixelling achieved? Once upon a time, when you tried to rent a parking slot in a digital cloud, you very soon ended up in a mental hospital’s padded cell – and quite right, too!

“If you wanted to express an opinion in the old days, you wrote a caustic letter to the VÖLKISCHER BEOBACHTER - and also ended up in a cell pronto. THAT, too, is our ambition! It surely can’t be mentally healthy to converse with as many invisible friends as possible!

“The A-Pad means AN END TO BLOGGING! You can’t even send a text message with it.” He laughs triumphantly.

The A-Pad is now on sale in selected train station kiosks and sex shops for 9 euros 99.

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