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Editor-in-Chief: Walter Moers
Friday, 09 December 2016

„Film is a Blitzkrieg“

An interview with ADOLF on film-making, Kraut funding, computer animation and regimented dwarfs

My Führer, what do you think of CROWD FUNDING?

Kraut funding? Isch bin all for it. Isch know das from the old days. Das was when people also voted for me and gave me money. Isch used it to screw everything up and send them all to blazes. Isch would like to do that again.
(laughs jovially)

Times have changed. You can’t just make any old movie and order everyone to go and see it.

(puzzled) Nein?

No. We live in a democracy these days, and there are more than just three movies a year produced by Joseph Goebbels and directed by Leni Riefenstahl. These days, competition in the film business is tough. People have become very picky.

Competition? Picky? Zey didn’t exist in my time! Aber das ist just the challenge, nicht wahr? Today’s piddling little movies don’t scare me. Herrgott, you didn’t have to wear glasses to watch our Riefenstahl movies! Call it FORTSCHRITT, needing visual aids to see a movie? Don’t make me laugh!
(laughs again)

Are you referring to 3D?

Genau! People are forced to wear ridiculous glasses that give them headaches – and pay more to get in! Is that the ZUKUNFT? Isch can do better than that! Isch made the Germans wage TOTAL WAR without petrol, and they didn’t get any popcorn, only turnips! Let someone else try doing that! So don’t give me any QUATSCH about AVATAR …

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Film is a war – is that what you’re getting at?

Film is a BLITZKRIEG! Lights out, curtain up, eyes front – nothing’s changed, gar nichts! What counts from then on is whose strategy is better – und what still works best is surprise – ÜBERRASCHUNG, as we call it. Ask the Dutch! Or the Danes! Or the Poles . . . We had a genuine global franchise going, zum Donnerwetter . . .

But only up until the Russian campaign. Stalingrad wasn’t exactly a blockbuster.

(folds his arms) Granted. We had a weather problem.

It absolutely bombed, more like. Didn’t even cover the production costs.

But the History Channel’s DVDs have sold well! Not that the Schweinehunde pay me any royalties.

It’s said your new film is to be shot using CGI technology. Computer animation – isn’t that a concession? Aren’t you really catering to modern audiences’ viewing habits? After all, you’re more into black-and-white, art-house movies . . . TRIUMPH OF THE WILL . . . Your stuff’s more in THE ARTIST line . . .

Isch wouldn’t say that. We shot colour films on the Obersalzberg back in 1930 . . . mit Eva Braun und Blondi! Isch bin very receptive to technological innovation. Think of my V1 and V2 . . .

(quickly) To change the subject: What CGI movies does the Führer like watching best?

Er . . . Have you seen DESPICABLE ME? That’s a scream. Isch could bust a gut laughing at the Minions.

The Minions are an army of regimented dwarfs who want to subjugate the world under a megalomaniac supervillain.

Exactly! Isch can identify with that.

Then you must also like THE SMURFS. That’s about a race of regimented dwarfs who blindly obey an authoritarian Übersmurf.

The animation wasn’t so good.

Now to crowd funding . . . What’s your objection to using good old German Film Promotion?

Ja, wissen Sie . . . In the old days, when isch wanted to conquer the world, if we’d put in an application to German Film Promotion, we wouldn’t even have got as far as Holland. This isn’t a gottverdammter FILM PROMOTION FILM, it’s a FÜHRER FILM!

My Führer, one last question: Give us ONE convincing reason why we should crowd-fund – or Kraut-fund – a film about Adolf Hitler. We’ve had a whole raft of films about Hitler lately, and they weren’t all funny – not even the comedies.

Das ist precisely why.

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